What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 23:51
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
If there is an abandoned house with no owner, can I live in it?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
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Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Can a twin flame runner be happy in a karmic relationship?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
What can you do if you are a full-grown adult, but never experienced being a child?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She was in good health!
Would this be the day?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
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We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Who then, do I blame.?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
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I was 9 years of age.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
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Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I was very sick at this time too.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I don,t even have a pension.
So whats the point in blame.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He knew the spot.
I think the readers, may guess!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
What did i know ?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I write beautiful poetry .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
One cannot live in the past .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She loved him until the end.
Im still living with it.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
When she asked me how she looked .
I never cut or harmed myself..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My life is so biszare .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She found it foreign!.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was scared of men, in general
She married twice! .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I said to her
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She wouldn,t have been !
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My family never makes their pension either.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Especially a lifetime of it.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
As i do to all so called friends.?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Why did i forgive my father ?
We were not on the streets..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
(And it was in our own minds.)
This is soul school!.
But, we were locked up after school.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
It was going to be , some day.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Was to survive, this bastard.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I couldn’t, believe it.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I will be 64.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
So, i spoilt her more .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But ive been too sick for many years..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I waited trembling.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I was seconnd youngest,
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And i lived it daily.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Ive learnt so much.
Put me off passion for life!!
I have no regrets .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Comes on , in middle age.
All the time i was locked up.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But it wasn’t much.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
We all went to grammer schools